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I am not sure talking about this, but I think this is the perfect time to commit my the worst crime I did since I was 12 yo, trichotillomania. Trichotillomania is a name of behavioral disorder, may classed as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ― a psychiatric disease. Some of you may not familiar with that term because I even didn't know I had suffered it within me since 10 years ago. Before I continue, let me tell you what is trichotillomania is. I will explain it as simple as I can and will avoid jargon, any jargon contain will contained with a link.
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Trichotillomania, A Review
by: Princess Candy
source: wikipedia
Trichotillomania (or usually abbreviated as trich) pronounced as pronounced /ˌtrɪkəˌtɪləˈmeɪniə/ TRIK-ə-TIL-ə-MAY-NEE-ə/ TRIK-ə-TIL-ə-MAY-NEE-uh as I said before is a behavioral disorder. It is diagnosed by an urge sensation of pulling hair and it usually started with a increasing sense of tension beforehand and gratification/relief afterward. It will be followed by noticeable patch of scalp or any other site of body like eyebrow, eyelashes, armpit hair or even pubic hair. Trich patient also has a special condition in determine which hair that they willing to pull with a such criteria like a rounded flat end, rough hair and with sharp end hair. In severe (and rare) case trich also followed by trichophagia (hair eating madness). In epidemiology data, it said this disorder are tend to incur woman than man (1.5 : 3.4)
Pulling hair in trich patient is almost "trance-like" habit which means they didn't mean to pull their hair by purpose. Its habit can occur an hour during relapse period. Relapse period means they can stop their hair pulling habit for a week, month, or even a year occasionally. Environment has important role in hair pulling habit which means a sedentary life style/activity will increase this habit ongoing.
As I read in some articles, there are a neurocognitive relations to this disorder such as an abnormality of basal ganglia which plays role in habit formation and frontal lobe failure to inhibit it. In other study, it also found an abnormality of cerebellar volume. The cerebellar volume in trich patient got decreased in comparison to people who didn't suffer it. An MRI study also found that trich patient tend to have a larger grey matter other than else. In case of genetic study it's still unclear yet whether there's a genetic role in this disorder or not. Some study found there are gene mutation called STLTRK1 and Serotonin 2A receptor gene.
For treatment, it's depended on its classification. In preschool, it has a good prognosis cause so far I know, there's no psychiatric-related disorder and can be treated conservatively. In young adult patient it needs more special treatment including establish diagnosis, raising awareness and giving reassurance to family and patient. And for patient who has adult onset in hair pulling he/she needs specialized treatment and referral to psychiatrist cause adult trich patient usually has a long term disorder due to psychiatric disorder.
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Now let me tell you all of my story about how awful suffer this disorder.
This is story of mine and I never made it up, pure a true story!
In my case, I only do pull my scalp hair only and didn't ever eat my own hair.I also have a special criteria to pull my hair which has round and with knob in the end. I don't know if I feel a gratification or not, it;s feel like a trance experience as it said. I never realized when did I pull my hair and I ended up with getting my lost hair on my books, on my laptop, on my bed and pillow, or everywhere I sit or lay down for a bit (yeah, 15 minute sedentary activity will drag me into this monster out of my body).
I don't know if my illness is affected by neurocognitive condition or something like bio molecular or other related with that hard-to-remember stuff. All I know just, why did I suffer this ill for a long time without knowing I am suffering it. It's been 10 years and I decreased my life because of it. I hid my symptom to my family, to my friends for 8 years and ended up with crying, hate my self more, bad thought of my appearance and other thought about me. I always get upset every time I go out with my friend. I even don't dare to go out often because I hard to find something to make my scalp patch (really huge and multiple patches) hidden. I also can't tell my Mom, my father, my brother and my friend how does it feel when you are live differently. I can't stand a mirror because all I do after see it only nagging God. All I ever did just get lost even more. I hid myself away and I chose to be live in my own darkness. I even decided to not getting merry to anyone because I think everyone I like just look at their love from appearance. If loving someone is just about appearance, I'd rather die than. I avoid all of trich-related article because I don't want to be blame, abandon, ridiculed. All mine is just a shame. I just can not open up my mind because there's nobody try to get me out of this negativity world.
Once my mother know my illness, she finally realized all cause of my hair lost is my habit so she tried to stop my hand from this habit. Before she knew it's due to a monster called trich, my mother used to do hair treatment to me. But after she realized it's all my fault and it's not a God's challenge for me, she stop do it. She only try to warn me. And that's all. I was so afraid being abandon by my mom. If she also give up on my hair, then who will? I got even more frustrated when my colleague offended my in front of anatomy class. After that incident, my fortress broken. My heart also broke into a pieces just crashed like a grape. And the worst of all I was about to suicide at that time. I locked up my self in my bed room for about 2 days without saying anything to mom. All I do just crying over day and at night I suddenly come out of my room, take a motorcycle key and runaway. As I remember, it almost the middle of night. I am going out without any destination and I was thinking which ways I choose to give up my life. I thought it will be an epic dramatic way to choose drowning me and my motor cycle in beach and will not left any sign its vanish. Perfect but hard to realization. I also thought about strike another vehicle into bump and I hope to die instantly.
But it's all never happened because I suddenly remember to my mom and my brother at home. To think about my mom, she is the best and most patient mom in the world. I will never forget how patient she try to growing my hair just because want me to look beautiful and held my head high. Even without my dad's existence in my life, my mom always give me his visualization of a father in my life. After realizing that I even cried harder and cursed my self why being so childish. I suddenly thought about life and maturation. I thought how selfish my self before this and only put everything on my shoes. Then I realized the world is too sad to waste in sadness. Life is about sadness and whenever about give up sadness, go die!
And then I came back home, got my mom's face tell me how worry she was. Her eyes was wet by teardrops, and I always remember how hard she hug me at that day. She was about to loose her only daughter because of her daughter foolishness. She even told me she will do everything to cure me even if God's favor could make anything happened, she want to change my faith with hers. She wanted to take my illness and replace my sadness with her happiness. Now, you agree she's the best mom, right? Even now I am crying while remind that moment.
After that incident, I open my mind slowly and even I am not as open as anybody else, one thing that really significant change from past that I have loved my self the way I am. Now I can accept my condition and my lack even not fully understood with this faith, I only know my family and my friend will not let me go and that's the most important reason to me to live.
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